|
I had a harsh childhood and learned about men mostly by watching their mistakes, especially my father’s. My parents divorced after my father cheated on my mom after 15 years of marriage. I saw them both suffer. My dad had alcohol and drug problems, and my mom worked two jobs trying to support my sister and me. I grew up without my dad being around. My father is the opposite of what I feel a good father should be. I never bonded with him emotionally. He didn’t give me advice and support me. There has never been any affection. I have always needed this type of love and look at girls who have wonderful fathers and feel hurt. In life, you don’t get to choose your family. You can eventually change your outlook on life, but early on, the going can be tough. I didn’t have direction. I always felt “alone.” I didn’t have anyone to check my report card or ask how I was doing in school. Nobody made sure I was doing my homework or told me I had to be home at a certain time. I am very close to my older sister and she is my role model, but my feeling of being “alone” comes from a lack of emotional nourishment. I love my mom so much and understand our situation, but now that I am at the age I’m supposed to get out on my own I feel like I missed out and want my mom to rock me or something. Becoming More Independent Some people say you should “choose to be happy.” More and more I’m doing just that. It’s an accomplishment frankly. You can’t plan your future by blaming your past. I’ve learned a lot by watching my parents go through divorce, and then watching my mom date afterwards. My mother dated every type of man but none of the relationships worked out. It was hard for her to cope with being single and loosing the married life. I believe she became co-dependent on men, and that’s helped me be more independent of them. My mom wants the best for me when it comes to men. She gives me advice if I ask for it and I usually only ask for it if I know she has been through the same situation. My older sister taught me a lot by example and observing her relationships. Hers were always of a longer term nature. She felt when you date someone and it didn’t work out, you’re still preparing for marriage. You’re just in training. I saw her get upset and cry one time, and I felt she deserved better. She prayed that God would send her the man he had for her and to give her conformation. Sure enough when she was 22, Kevin came into her life and pursued her until he captured her heart. He was worth all the pain she went through in her past relationships. Five years later now, they are happily married and have a beautiful daughter. My mom really didn’t teach me things about relationships and guys until I had my first heartbreak. I felt closest to her then. I knew she had been through the same thing. I remember her staying up with me all night telling me it would be okay, the pain would go away. She told me that time heals the pain, I deserve a man who won’t make me cry, that this just meant there was someone else better out there for me. It was his loss, she said. My mom mainly bonded with me when I was in pain and I am glad of that, though, there are many things that happened in my life I wish she would have included. I wish we had done more girl things such as shopping, going to the movies, eating lunch together more. When I look back, I realize time is just whizzing by so fast. A Little Help from Friends
I've been lucky in one sense. There have been people in my life—people who are otherwise terrible at relationships—who have given me positive advice, like “you can do better,” “you are a pretty girl,” and “one day someone is going to sweep you off your feet.” All of these encouraging statements built up every time I got hurt. I was—and still am—determined that I can do better, and that one day I will be swept up off my feet. I want things to feel right and I want to have a good marriage. I won’t settle for any less than what I feel I deserve. My grandmother (mom’s side) is a very godly woman. She has had more hurts than I can fathom at my age. She has been there for me during all of my heartaches. I have never felt so much peace than to be with her and listen to her tell me stories about her own hurts. It made me feel so much better knowing that others have hurt just as much or more than I have. She prayed for me and told me only God could heal my heart. There is a verse in the Bible that says, “No man can steal your joy.” She always assured me that God has made someone perfect for me and when God has us both ready he will put us together. Then we pray for patience. A New, Positive Attitude I used to have problems with relationships. I used to get attached quickly searching for the love I didn’t get from my father. I would seek reassurance constantly that I was loved. I had low self-esteem when it came to my partner. I never thought I was good enough. I would get stressed out thinking I would be left alone and end the relationship even if there was nothing wrong, but feared a bad outcome. I knew I felt this way mostly because of my father. I analyzed this self-destructive behavior and arrived finally at a new way of thinking: Nobody can make you happy but yourself. With or without a man in my life, I am the same Amy. I just stay confident and know when the right one comes along I will feel loved with no worries. Feeling loved and being told you’re loved are two different things. I can now distinguish one from the other. Before, I just wanted desperately to be loved. I know I will “know” when it happens because it will be like nothing I’ve felt before. I have heard women seek men who are like their fathers. I seek the opposite. I seek what I wish I had had in a father—an honest, happy, and joyously giving man.
|
