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I’m the kind of woman who “walks to the beat of her own drum.” I manage the small office of a chiropractor and adore my job. I also have a Reiki certificate and perform hands-on healing on a massage table in my home.  My husband, George, died in 1996 of a heart attack. I have two daughters—one 16, the other, 22. They’re the bright suns in my life. Love, I’ve discovered, happens when you least expect it. Sure that sounds like a cliché, but that’s what happened to me in the past couple of years.  I’ve also learned that love comes to a screeching halt, too, when you least expect it.

I met “Mark” online late in 2002 while doing some genealogy research to see if I had some native blood in my family tree. His ex-wife, an online friend, actually introduced us, saying he was a whiz at genealogy. Mark lived in North Carolina, a thousand miles from my home in Canada. The first time we connected online, instead of talking about genealogy, we discussed our mutual interest in the healing and spiritual practices of native Indians. The conversation lasted for absolutely hours. Mark is one-half American Indian, is extremely psychic, and employs native shaman techniques to help others. We soon began to e-mail each other many times a day. After two weeks, we began talking to each other on the phone. At first it was comical because I couldn’t understand him very well due to his thick southern accent. As I got to know him, I found his voice easy to understand and very soothing to my soul. 
                                                 
                                         Destined to Be Together

When Mark asked me what my ideal man looked like, I said “dark hair, dark eyes, nice build, olive skin, and medium height.” That described him to a “perfect T,” he said. He even had a gorgeous dark moustache which I came to adore. He was very intuitive and told me things about myself no one else could have possibly known. Before long, we felt we were destined to be together as man and wife. We were like a piece of fruit cut in half. There’s only one half that totally matches the other. I felt incomplete if a day went by and we didn’t talk.

In May, 2003, I flew to Greensboro, North Carolina, and met him at the airport. When we laid our eyes on each other, we knew this was the real McCoy.  Mark, who was also 46, took me to his home.  On an end table in the living room were a dozen red roses for me in a gorgeous glass vase. I looked at the stairs going up to the bedrooms. On each stair were two rose petals. On every other stair there were chocolate bars. A can of my favorite drink, Mr. Pibb, awaited me at the top of the stairs. No man had ever done anything like this before. Mark ran a bath for me as I had traveled a long way to meet him. He was very loving, attentive, and affectionate with me. I had no hesitation at all about pursuing a romance with him.  After my third day with him, he proposed.

We would initially be “handfasted” and then, in 2005, be legitimately married in a more traditional ceremony with his parents and our children there. (Mark had two young children by a previous marriage.) Handfasting is a very ancient, spiritual wedding with Pagan origins. On August 3, 2003, a lovely down-to-earth woman, a “high priestess,” administered our wedding in Mark’s living room. It was an intimate and beautiful event and I am so glad I have photos of it to cherish the rest of my life.

Mark lives a modest life. He suffered an extensive back injury on a job and now receives disability payments. He is not capable of returning to work full time. When we were together we did not have a lot of money, but we were happy just doing simple things like fishing, camping, and strolling around the heavenly Reynolda Gardens in Winston Salem, North Carolina. We would take a seat there under a wooden arbor and, listening to birds and surrounded by azaleas, roses, lilacs, and butterfly bushes, we would chat for hours holding hands.  We both felt a kinship to the earth and its splendors and did not require high maintenance to be happy. 
 
I continued to travel back and forth to my home in Canada. Mark sent me plane tickets to visit him when I was short of cash. He made several native crafts for my healing room—a mandala, a healing wand, a native turtle rattle, and a medicine wheel. He was very into me. We talked on the phone three times a day. He phoned me every morning for 15 minutes before I went to work. It made his day and mine. And we chatted online in the evenings with webcams so we could see the other one and have that special bond. And when I bought new clothing or whatever, I could show him on the webcam. It was a part of our lives that kept us close. Or at least I thought it did.

In August 2004, two months before I was to move to North Carolina permanently, I met his children for the first time. We got along extremely well. The four of us went to a native pow wow in Concord, N.C. It was a day to remember. His kids accepted me into their lives and treated me with a great deal of respect. I felt like I was part of a complete family again.

                                 A Nightmare Arrives in the Mail    

I returned to Canada to make final preparations for the move. I sold or gave away many belongings which I couldn’t take to the U.S. and I restructured my life to live in a different country. I had my bad days where I was stressed out and I think that must have taken a toll on Mark. Out of the blue, I received a “Dear John” letter from him. He said he still cared for me, but it was not practical for me to move to North Carolina, and that I should stay in my own country. The tone of the letter was non-negotiable. He didn’t even suggest in the letter we remain friends. I’m not positive, but I think maybe he just got cold feet. His lack of money and a desire for personal freedom were possibly other factors. 

There are no words in the English vocabulary to describe the gut wrenching feeling I had after I read the letter. My world turned totally upside down. It was like Mark had died. He wanted no contact whatsoever. I felt like I was in total limbo or lost in space. I was sick to my stomach for days and walked around like a zombie. I lost 15 pounds in three weeks as I lost my appetite and had difficulty sleeping. I still wake up most mornings hoping it was all a bad dream. But to no avail. I am not going to write or call Mark to “beg him” to take me back. I had done it a couple of times over the past two years, and I just couldn’t do it again. It would break my heart even further if he said “no” to me. I had rejection issues as a child, so I just leave it alone.

Someday I truly believe he will return to me when he comes to his senses and can handle the stress of getting me relocated from one country to the other. I have to keep hope. Mark could be very controlling, but I accepted him with all his positive and negative traits. So far in this lifetime, I have not met a perfect person yet. I know from past experience Mark and I cannot be apart for forever. We just don’t function well without the other. It’s like driving a car on three tires. It doesn’t work.

Love is so difficult to find. You can search and search and you just won’t meet anyone who measures up.  At least I can say I had a fairytale romance, and even if it’s over, I will never forget it. I doubt if it will be duplicated the rest of my life. I certainly now know the meaning of that other romantic cliché: Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all!

I've lived in the Houston area since the late 1980s and have dated the same man for seven years. I'd like to be married someday. The things that men do to lose points (and drive me crazy) are nothing new, but they continue to happen.  

1.  Lingering looks at other women while on a date. When this happens on the first date, it is always the last date with me. When other guys stare at me while on a date with another women, I’m not flattered – I just feel sorry for her. I dated a guy—for way too long—that did this all the time and was very blatant about it. He said he couldn’t help it. That it was in his “nature” to do this. Well, it was in my nature to dump his ass.
2. Hogging the remote/switching channels without warning. At one point, I didn’t really believe that this was true about men. However, I’ve recently concluded that, in fact, it is.
3. Asking if I’m attracted to women/have ever been intimate with another woman/would be with another woman while he watches. You may never have done that, but it has happened more times than I can count. What is it about guys and lesbian action? My theory—and it’s relatively harsh, I know—is that men who have this fantasy also experience performance anxiety and likely have other performance issues. When I’m posed that question, I usually tell the guy that I’ll do it for him, but only with his mother and sister, and he has to watch. That usually shuts him up about it.

Men need to say what they mean, and mean what they say. I’ve had two instances were guys have completely spilled their feelings about how much they cared about me and wanted a relationship with me and then changed their minds soon after for no apparent reason. One guy changed his mind 20 hours later. The other one changed his mind a week later. If you're not sure about a woman, don't tell her you care about her, then later let her down by saying you’re “not sure” you’re ready. One guy said he got “caught up in the moment.” We weren’t even in an intimate situation!

If you're not interested in a woman, just tell her—don’t just stop contacting her or calling her.  Just say, "I don't think it's going to work." A woman will respect this approach more than if a guy leads her on or tells her things so he doesn't hurt her feelings. 

Men need to take more of an initiative to know a woman and who she is rather than trying to imagine what she looks like naked. Nothing is more annoying than having a conversation with a guy who keeps looking at your breasts or keeps bringing up sexual things during a simple light-hearted conversation. It's actually a turn off!

Four things men do just get to me:

1) If he flirts with other women in front of me, however innocently, I feel disrespected.
2) If he’s not upfront and honest with me, even if he’s really attracted to another woman and I suspect it.
3) If he thinks my ideas and opinions or way of thinking are wrong, and he always feels he is right!
4) If he doesn’t take responsibility for his wrong-doings in the relationship.

There are other things, but this is the first set that came to my mind.

A man needs to make a woman feel loved, sexy, all of those things. I know it’s a tall order, but that’s what we need. Here’re some things men do that I do not need:

1. When a man says he’ll call and doesn’t. When a man says, “I’ll call you tomorrow night,” or “I’ll call you when I get home, or “I’ll call you this weekend” and doesn’t, it is the worst thing a man can do. For insecure women, it strikes at their insecurity, making them feel belittled, unwanted, or uncared for. For a secure woman, she’s just going to think, “What a jerk! Why did he say he was going to call and didn’t?” That’s a huge pet peeve for every woman I know. Unless you’re in the hospital, there’s no excuse for it—especially with most men having cell phones.
2. When a man makes a promise, and doesn’t keep it. Let’s say a man meets a nice woman for a get-acquainted lunch date. Say she’s a yoga instructor. The lunch lasts an hour or so but the man doesn’t feel a connection. He isn’t interested in a follow-up date or any type of relationship. As he pays the check he remarks, to be pleasant, “Hey, I’ll give you a call or stop by and try one of your classes.” He has utterly no intention of doing either. His statement winds up being an insult to the woman. It leaves her wondering for a couple of weeks whether he’s actually going to call or come by her class. Then again, she may have found him as uninteresting as he found her. Thinking that a woman needs to hear from you in every case is a very egotistical thing. If you meet a woman for a first-time lunch or dinner, but don’t want to take it another step, there are nice things to say without making any promises to her. For example: “Thank you for a lovely time. I really learned a lot about an area that I’ve never even thought of before.” Or “I really enjoyed it. Have a great weekend. Thank you for spending time with me.” Or “It was a nice pick-me-up. Have a great week at work. Take care. Drive safely.” Do not make any promises unless you intend to keep them. Otherwise, you’re just plain rude.
3. When a man pulls away emotionally without explanation. This is huge: When a man doesn’t break up with you, but he acts in such a way to make you break up with him. Every man has done this. If you don’t want to be with a woman, just tell her. It is so much more insulting to be treat a girlfriend—or a wife—poorly for weeks and months than just sitting down and telling her face to face: “It isn’t working out. I can’t give you want you want. I care about you as a person, but maybe we should go our separate way.” I’ve always appreciated that more than the wimpy, cowardly guy who pulls away, doesn’t call often, and starts being distant. The woman makes a million excuses in her head, such as “he’s stressed at work, he’s got baggage from his last relationship, he’s afraid of intimacy.” Come on, just tell her! Tell her it’s not working out. You don’t have to be ugly. You don’t have to say she’s fat, unattractive, or boring. You could say “This relationship isn’t going where it should be, and neither one of us is happy. I think it is time for us to move on.” I promise you that no woman will ever fault you for being honest. That is a huge, huge, huge thing I wish guys would learn. It’s like they’re not raised properly by their mothers or something.

I'm blonde, a bit of vagabond (I travel every chance I get), and make a good living selling drugs to doctors. I was married once, and have dated lots of men since.   

1. Body odor. If a guy has a natural body odor that’s repulsive—no fault of his own, that kills the deal. Bad teeth are bad. That kills the deal, too. The less hair on the body the better. Nose hair—if it’s sticking out, trim it back please.
2. At dinner the waiter brings the check. You offer to pay half. The guy lets you. He’ll never get another date from me again.
3. Guys should not talk about sex on the first date or two. If this conversation comes up early, it just means the guy wants to get some. This is too difficult a way to start a relationship. Sex brings out attachments that are stronger for women than men.
4. Guys expect girls to be the strong ones to keep sex under control. If a guy is attracted, he keeps trying. The girl says, “I like you as a friend.” She continues to be nice and accommodating, even though it’s just a friendship thing for her. The guy keeps trying. I want to tell guys, “Stop it and be a friend. Pursue someone else to kiss.”
5. I have guys who tell me they’re “athletic,” but they can’t actually go with you to play tennis, ride a bike, hike, walk around the block, or swing at golf balls. It’s like they think saying they’re “athletic” means they actually are.

1) You had a bad day. I didn’t . Why change my day instead of yours?  You spread your foul mood by acting cranky and refusing to lighten up. You’d think you’d be happy by finally being away from the thing that gave you a bad day (work, family, school, whatever).  You’re now around someone who loves you and wants you to feel better. But you have different plans.  Let's snap at me instead of your idiot boss.  Ah, misery. How it loves company.

2) Sure, tease me in front of people. Fine. A little playful teasing is okay. I will do it, too. However, teasing me constantly gets annoying FAST.  Especially when you forget to be nice and say good things about me to people.  You can poke fun at the way I cook, but just back it up with, "No really, have you ever tasted her cheesy veggie soup?  It's really good."  Throw in a compliment once in awhile to give me some reassure.

3) Jealously.  Dear Lord.  Just because I know a guy doesn't mean we used to have a relationship.  Just because I have fun with my friends doesn't mean I don't have fun with you.  Just because I got offered a better job doesn't mean you aren't good enough for the same position.  Just...stop with the jealousy.

I buy and sell real estate, do graphics design, and write children's books. I work with a lot of men and actually prefer their company to women. Still, guys do plenty of things that drive me crazy.   

1. Men have a superior attitude, which pisses me off. They act as if they know better but they don’t. Even my brother is Mr. Know It All. My girlfriends talk about this issue all the time.
2. Guys don’t share their feelings. Women talk and try to sort things out. Men don’t want to do that.
3. Men are babies when they’re sick. I can take care of them to a point, but they get so annoying.
4. Men are not real good listeners. In fact, they don’t listen.
5. Why is farting so funny to men? My brother is 40 and he still thinks farting is funny, even at the dinner table or going out to lunch. Even if you don’t hear him, he starts laughing. But if I blow my nose, he thinks that’s disgusting.

I am a middle-aged, divorced woman who raised a daughter, grabbed a college degree, and built a house and a career in her spare time. When my friend Peter invited me to do a little male-bashing, I jumped at the chance. But then I found out that my sisters, girlfriends, co-workers, cleaning lady, and the friendly cashier at Starbucks were also all quite eager to add their two cents. So here are a few pearls of wisdom from the Texas women. And don’t mess with us.

What do men do that drive us crazy? Where to begin! My co-worker Judy flatly stated what later turned out to be the most common complaint, “Men check out other women when you are with them.” I knowingly nodded my head. No argument. I know my lover must have installed a swivel base in his neck because his head has spun around more times than Linda Blair’s in the Exorcist. Hello, I am over here. If you really want her butt, go and get it, but take care of the check first.Judy also pointed out that men miss half of everything a woman says because they are not paying attention. Judy is a master of stating the obvious.

                                 Gnawing on Gristle

Her friend Jaime said men eat like pigs. Apparently her husband Lucas will pick up the actual pork chop or steak bone and gnaw off every last bit of gristle. I have to sympathize with Lucas on this one, though. Jaime and Lucas are from Chicago and only recently developed the good sense to migrate to Houston where Lucas discovered Texas barbeque. Enough said. She also asked that a suggestion be included in the book, so here it is: Men, please remove your shoes before you track grass, mud, or sand all through the freshly swept house. It does take time, but it is well worth that Victoria’s Secret session you will get if you comply. It’s your decision. Black silk stockings or a broom across your gluteus maximums. Hmmmm. My sister Sally noted that men sometimes won’t exit the highway for a potty break during a trip because “it is too hard to get back on.” Huh? Where there is an exit ramp, there is an entrance ramp. We know these things. We drive.

She also wonders why men think that paying golfing fees is more important than buying shoes. Or why they would rather spend five grand on an extra foot of bass fishing boat instead of a finger sparkler. She’s sure there must be a reason for these things but it has yet to be explained to her. She wonders why men whine about the littlest little ache or pain or ask you to get them something when you are both sitting down. Personally, I think their mothers are to blame.

                           Learning about “Fat Clothes”

She told me that men do not understand “fat clothes.” What’s not to understand? Why throw away clothes that don’t currently fit when we know that Thanksgiving is right around the corner? She has a sneaking suspicion that her boyfriend thinks that if she throws away all her size 10’s that she will never be a size 10 again. Get real.

My sister Linda, on the other hand, is rather pragmatic in her view of men. According to her, they are flawed creatures and must be excused for a basic lack of refinement. She finds adorableness in their many faults. Nonetheless, she did tell me that it drives her a little crazy when they expect us women to be on time. What’s the hurry? Or when men insist on doing something responsible, such as fixing a leaking toilet, when she’d rather them do something more frivolous, like playing Marco Polo in the nude in her swimming pool. Well, you’d have to know my sister. She has the patience of Job, however, and has undertaken a housebreaking regime for her new beau. The first trick she taught him, after the concept that dirty socks should not, in fact, be deposited in the middle of the living room after a long gym session, is that there should be no pause before the words, “yes, dear.” No hesitation needed. Blurt it right out when you hear any request. You will be rewarded with a smile. Works every time.

Dianna bemoans that some men forget special dates like birthdays and anniversaries. She wants them to know there is a cool new service from FTD that will remind men of these important milestones. It’s good to be living in the modern age and one should take advantage of technology whenever possible. For those of you men who do not know what FTD is, shut off your computer and walk away. We can’t help you.

“As a newlywed,” said Cassandra, “you’d think I wouldn’t have any complaints yet.” Think again. She objects to unexcused noises (no explanation needed) and not paying attention to what you are saying. We understand, Cassandra. Females do not have the appropriate gene to appreciate fart humor.

                  Your Tidy Whities Are Where You Left Them

Nina is a busy attorney with two children and would like a little more help from hubby in the homestead department. It’s very nice when her guy sorts through the mail and newspapers and throws things away, but perhaps not when it is personal letters and Neiman Marcus catalogues addressed to her, she suggested. Also, said guy should not assume that laundry gets washed, folded, and put away by someone else. Your tidy whities may, in fact, still be on the bathroom floor. Not sure. Go look. And the kid’s school paperwork does not legally require mom’s attention. It’s a fieldtrip form, not a deposition. Sign it and move on.

Pam’s two pet peeves involve electronics and advice. She laments the male-inspired multiple-TV-cable-stereo remote systems that must be “synchronized” and used to flip through channels at the speed of sound. She also wonders why a husband will refuse to take his wife’s advice, yet think it’s a wonderful idea when all the guys at work tell him the exact same thing. Good point.

Beth said it drives her crazy when her man apologizes for her. “I’m sorry you got upset with me yesterday when I humiliated you.” Arrgh! She also questions why men can be indecisive about where to eat or what to watch or where to go or what to do. “I appreciate you giving me a chance to choose, but it does no good when, thirty minutes later, we have nowhere to eat, nothing to watch, nowhere to go, and nothing to do.” You go girl. (Translation for men: Women don’t really don’t want to say what to do when the man is paying for it. Well, okay, some women might say, “I want to go to dinner at Brennan’s, then attend the Opera, then go to Artista’s for dessert and coffee,” but that’s a good way not to be asked out for a second date, we think).

                                    Burning Rubber

For myself, I just have two stories to tell. A few months ago, I was sitting in a car wash lobby reading an oil industry magazine and enjoying one of Houston’s perfect spring days. I noticed a distinguished, silver-haired gentlemen glancing over at me. He was well dressed in a power suit and tie, no doubt waiting for his Porsche to be dried. As I looked out the window to see if my car was ready, he casually strolled over and spoke. “What’s a pretty thing like you doing reading such a technical magazine?” I simply smiled, stood, folded my magazine, and sashayed past him out the door. I declined to tell him I’m an editor at the magazine.

Secondly, last weekend, we had a family gathering and cookout by the pool. The driveway was filled with cars. We needed tomatoes and olive oil and I announced my intention to head out to the local store. So I would not have to move a line of cars, my new friend Dave handed me his car keys and offered it as transportation. A spanking new six-speed black Corvette. I started it up, slowly reversed out the driveway, then accelerated onto the thoroughfare, chirping the tires in second and third. When I returned with the groceries, Dave complained about my burning the rubber on his tires. But, really, what did he expect? Did he not notice my TransAm parked in the driveway? Women do have the gearhead gene.

1. Saying you're going to do something and not following through.
2. Not being on time.
3. Forgetting my birthday

1.    Generally, men have no sense of verbal intimacy.  They are not in touch with their feelings and unsure about what to say or do with women when conflicts arise. They tend to bottle up their emotions and give the silent treatment.  Like we're suppose to figure out what’s wrong with NO information. 

2.   Bad habits: Men who spit on the ground when they think no one is looking... It is so gross! Why do they do it?  Men who touch their private area for no particular reason. Why do they have to move it around? I'm not just talking about black rappers like Nelly. I'm talkin' office managers and even college deans. Someone told me the practice is called "shifting gears."  I think men are mostly unconscious about it, but it's really repulsive and there is no excuse!  You'd never see a woman adjusting her breasts during a board meeting!

3.   When talking to a man about a problem and he has to give advice without listening to the entire dilemma. They don't understand that women are capable of solving their own problems but sometimes just need to vent and have someone say "everything will be o.k." or "Your awesome and this will pass".

4.     If he talks about his ex-girlfriend(s). Even if I ask a leading question about an ex-girlfriend, I don't want too much information. I just want to know that he has gotten over her and she is ancient history. It's one thing to give a general reason why it didn't work but quite another to talk about their history together. Or even worse... to compare you to her.  There should be no passion about the ex whether it's love or hate.  Quoting a girlfriend of mine, "I'm going to need all the space in his closets; there's no room for baggage!"