I’ve lived in Holland all my life and moved to Scotland about three months ago to attend a university. I’m loving it here and want to enjoy myself as much as possible the next four years.  My ambition is to get a degree in geography. What I’ll do after that, I’m not sure. My family is still in Holland. My dad’s a technician and my mom performs social work in the community. I also have a younger brother. I’m only 18 and just taking my first steps into the world of love and relationships and all that. Before I came to uni—that’s  what we call university in the UK—I didn’t have a lot of experience with guys. Since arriving at uni, I’ve gone out a lot more, to clubs and stuff, and I’ve met quite a few guys. Here’s my experience of them and the way this lady—and I think many other young women—want to be treated. 

I can say that most of the guys I’ve met—and the guys some of my friends have met—don’t know how to treat a girl properly. A lot of guys just seem to have the attitude that “it’s uni and I just wanna have some fun” (meaning just sex). Maybe that’s the general image of uni, that it’s about just having “fun,” and not much serious relationships kind of things. But the problem is some of these guys pretend that they do really care about you and are interested in a relationship, while they’re really not. They just want you to have sex with them.

I think young men should be honest about what they want. If you’re just looking for some “fun,” fair enough. But please don’t create the impression you’re interested in a relationship when in fact you don’t want one. I know that’s a bit much to ask. Truth is, a lot of girls won’t have sex unless they feel that a guy really cares about them and wants to be with them. Guys will do pretty much anything to have sex (or so I’m told) so of course it’s easy for them to pretend to be Mr. Nice, loving and caring so that they can get what they want. But it’s a bit of a punch in the stomach for the girl when they dump you after you’ve had sex with them. A friend of mine just got dumped by this jerk and I get a bit frustrated with guys sometimes. 

                           What a Respectable Young Woman Wants

I would like to find a guy who is genuinely interested in me and is nice to me, and tries to understand and listen to me. Most of all, I just want him to be honest and open about what he wants. If he’s seriously feels something for someone else, I want him to tell me.  I know I can’t expect guys my age to be super-sensitive and understanding and all that. But it would be nice to find a guy who isn’t just interested in sex. It would be so nice to meet a guy, go out on dates and spend some time together to just get to know each other. Of course, I would also like some, ehm, romance and stuff to happen in time, but I would also like to be able to talk to my boyfriend. And I would like him to be attentive (turn up on time, send me a text every so often) and be a bit creative and adventurous. I’m not afraid to try new things. I know these are probably very standard things a lot of women say, but it’s true you know, most women just appreciate honesty and a little understanding. It makes things so much easier if you know how your man feels and he knows how you feel. And it makes a relationship so much more rewarding if you can have a good talk or just a good laugh together. I want a man who’s patient. I’m well worth the wait.

Oh right, forgot to mention that, he also must have a good sense of humor and shouldn’t take things (especially himself!) too seriously. Financially, I don’t expect too much because at my age I’m really not in a “serious commitment” stage of my life. Physically, well, he must look after himself at least a little bit, some abs are always nice, and some fashion sense would be good. About the other physical aspect of a relationship: I like to receive some attention and further, ehm, just know what you’re doing. Read up on some things if you need inspiration. The Internet isn’t there for nothing! 

I have fallen in love a few times, but each time I do, I realize that my past loves were probably not love at all, but perhaps a childish infatuation or just being in love for the sake of love. I’ve learned one thing in life, though, and that is you cannot hide from love, because it is stronger than you are.

I live in Miami, land of the barracuda-men. It’s very seldom when I meet potential mates who have the same values and morals as mine. It’s very warped living here, I sometimes think about moving. I am somewhat of a dreamer. I have enough faith that if I’m a good person, and contribute the goodness in life, that something will happen to mirror my faith. It’s not happening yet, so I need to look into myself more.

The only expectations I have of a partner are understanding, faithfulness, patience, loyalty, commitment, and respect for the relationship and me.

Emotionally, I would like to see my partner listen to my needs, and do something about it. A lot of times, I say what I need and never get anything in return. I am very needy at times, but some flowers, a card, a romantic getaway, a picnic, a walk on the beach would tell me all. It's that simple sometimes, it really is, but that's never happened to me, as much as I long for it. 

Financially, I would want him to hold his own, have and meet his goals. At the same time, I would hold my own, have goals and exceed my goals. I feel that men and women should be 50/50 partners financially. If one person has more, then the one with more should always be more generous. You never know when the tables can turn ...you are there for each other. That's what's important to me.

Physically, I accept my partner for who he is. If I love the person I am with, I love them in all shapes and sizes. Even if they get fat over the years, I would love him the same. As long as he is happy and healthy, that's all that matters.

People nowadays have so many expectations, we only wind up in disappointing situations. To really love someone, you love them through everything. You grow. You learn. You support.

I want to answer your questions with ones that go right to the heart of all romance: What really hooks a woman?  What makes her become totally enthralled with a particular man?

Here it is; here’s the secret:

A man who is completely entranced and fascinated by the woman he wants to connect with can be very successful.  This requires that he is not only a student of her body, but he must also become a student of her mind, her soul, her deepest thoughts and hopes and dreams.  This approach is really very simple but difficult for most men to understand. I will try to explain what it looks like by first explaining what it doesn’t look like:

A couple meets for a first date.

He begins to talk about himself, his thoughts, his ideas.  She finds him very interesting (or not).  To balance the conversation, he realizes that he needs to ask her about herself.  She begins to answer him and gets in a sentence or two. Suddenly she has reminded him of another story about (you guessed it) HIM, which he immediately leaps into.  This scenario is repeated over and over throughout the evening and across this city and this country and at the end of the day, men can’t figure out why they aren’t reaching their dating and relationship goals.

Now don’t misunderstand me; I’m a big girl and can easily interrupt and put my ideas and points across.  I know that I am responsible for my good time and I know how to easily change the subject if I’m bored.  My point here is NOT that I’m a victim of male insensitivity because I certainly am not. In the example above, the woman probably had a very enjoyable evening but she is NOT hooked at all (which is our point here).  If he’s cute and interesting enough, she will see him again for entertainment or to see if anything develops, but she’s a long way from being enthralled.   

The man in the example may really be very interested in the woman but he’s not headed down the right road to get her very interested in him.  John Grey in his “Mars and Venus” book wrote a step-by-step primer on this very subject but I find that most men still don’t get it.

Now let’s contemplate a different scenario.

A woman meets a man who’s fairly ordinary looking and he may not meet her criteria of the “ideal man.”  He answers the questions that she politely asks him (cause women do that) about himself and he’s interesting enough that he perks her interest in knowing more about him.  But instead, he begins to ask her about herself and he listens and she can tell that he’s listening because he asks her more questions that relate to what she just said.  He may even continue to go several layers deeper into the subject at hand until she feels that she’s been completely heard and understood.  In this conversation, she may have even learned something more about how SHE felt. It may seem a little odd, but women understand themselves and any topic more by talking about it out loud with someone than by sitting alone and thinking it through. The woman on our date has now been taken to a whole new level; a place where most men never take her and she is now intrigued.  

This tactic requires that the man be totally engrossed in his pursuit of knowing this woman better.  He must pursue it with a passion that matches his attention span when he’s tearing into the motor of his classic Corvette or any other passion that captures his full attention in a way in which he finds that all time and space disappear.  His goal must be to be more knowledgeable about this woman than anyone else in the world (maybe even more knowledgeable about her than she herself is).   He must leave no stone unturned and when he thinks that he has learned it all; there is still much more.  Through life, she will change and grow and if he wants to remain connected he must continue his research and study.  I believe that a voracious curiosity is the key to a successful and lasting love. 

Women know and believe that this happens in the natural process of dating and that men don’t have to “learn” this technique.  A woman believes that if a man is really interested in her that he will behave in this manner.  Giving some of you the benefit of the doubt (I DO have a son), I am sharing this powerful technique with you.

There is one cautionary note.  This information should not be shared with just anyone.  There is the rare man out there who understands this technique only too well and uses it to get women into bed.  It can work quite well but the savvy woman (despite how very hooked she may already be) can usually spot the imposter by ‘waiting him out’. Most men are not usually tenacious enough to put this much effort into ‘just sex’.